what hurts the most.

"Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

Today was... interesting.

I started my day waking up at about 8 to still clouds and cold raininess, and now as I look outside it's sunny and beautiful and warm. And I wish I was outside. I wish I was out sketching the trees, taking photographs of the beautiful shadows of the grass against the fences, and feeling the warmth of the sun.

But above all, I wish I was feeling closer to God and escaping these dark feelings that are starting to take over.

But instead, I remain in here, with anxiety and regret on my heart, thus writing this.

All this morning and afternoon I spent the day with a friend, my mom, my sister and her friend shopping near Seattle to blow all our babysitting money and to just enjoy freedom from school and spring break. It was beautiful out there, me and my friend found perfect graduation dresses, but as we drove home we hit rain, hail, snow, more rain, and finally-sunshine.

Although today was finally turning out to be gorgeous, there's still a cloudy shadow casting it's way over my heart.

I don't forget.

Just last night I was explaining to my sister that mistakes can me made by fully trusting people again that have hurt you before. My sister hasn't quite learned that yet, and I explained to her that I forgive(at points...it's hard), but I have a problem forgetting-thus keeping me from trusting the same people again. I choose my friends carefully, and in essence, God chooses them for me. I've given away my will power for choosing friends, or choosing how I'm going to respond in a situation to God.

He controls my life, He writes my story. Hence the pencil on my ceiling.

Not sure if any of you are remembering this, but any of you that have been in my room have noticed the pencil that's taped just above my bed on my ceiling. No, not to fall down and stab my eye out in the middle of the night on some unfortunate evening. I actually taped it up there right after a really weird time in my life that I finally figured out and grasped that God writes my story.
Writes...pencil. Hence, I taped it up to remind me.

It's funny how many of you have been to my house, been in my room, have seen the pencil, asked me about it, and I said..."Uhh, it's complicated..." or "It's just there randomly" which is totally NOT true. At all. So for all of you that have never figured out that mystery...there's your answer.

But what happened yesterday cannot be re-done. You can't tap two red sparkly shoes together and chant "There's no place like home" and be snatched out of that horrible nightmare you've been sucked into. You can't have some magical time machine in your closet and re-do how you responded in a situation or what you let out of your mouth in the previous hour.

You can't.

And realizing that sooner in life definitely helps relinquish a sort of jumbled feeling about what you're going to do, and not being sucked into dwelling on what's already been done. There's no turning back. You can't fix anything that's already been done. Which in my world, is one of the most worst and difficult things.

So in retrospect, I'm not sure which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you hadn't, or saying nothing and wishing you had.

Both of those things have had a horrible grasp on my life, and have sparked regrets that I fear will always be there. Always.

Honestly, this is what's been on my mind for the past months. And if you've asked me what's wrong in these past few months out of concern or curiosity, I've either used the cop out "It's to hard to explain" or "Nothing. I'm fine." and did the usually routine of faking a smile and a laugh.

And honestly(again), I think this is one of the most depressing posts, or most depressing and hardest THINGS I've ever had to write out. But it's true.

And you all know this already, but I guess one reason of me writing this out is so that you guys can somewhat get what's going on in my head lately if I'm too scared to tell you in person.

Which doesn't make sense at ALL, because I love you all to death, am so blessed to have you in my life, and I know that God is using you everyday in my life to shape me into the person that I'm becoming and already am...but I get scared.
I let emotions take control, and I use cop outs. And I'll never be able to figure out or grasp the fact why all of you care so much. Like...I don't know. It's weird, but I haven't really thought anyone has cared that much to actually ask me what's been going on lately. And I know for a fact(unfortunately), that if none of you talk to me full on about this and still ask me how I am, I'll still lie about it. I'll "save" you from listening to me drone on about my feelings, or I'm just too scared to do so.

So I guess this is an apology. Actually, there's no guessing, because it is.

I haven't been honest with most of you, and I don't like not being honest. At all. So...I'm sorry. Like I said, I love you all so much, but I've been using cop outs way more recently to cover all this up. Which yes, sometimes it's hard to share, but I feel like some of it I definitely should share.

I can't change anything that I said yesterday, I can't change anything I said 2 hours ago, and I can't change anything that I said 2 years ago the Thursday before Thanksgiving Break. I can't. And that's that.

And I'm totally not writing this to make you all depressed, or to be worried about me, because frankly, I don't need attention. The main point of this post is to let you all know what's going on, those of you that care that much anyways, and to apologize. Because I love you.

I love having long deep conversations with you, I love when you ask me what's wrong and don't give up until I give you a legitimate answer, I love how you care and how I just noticed you were there this past year. I love talking with you till 11 or 12 at night about who knows what until we get reprimanded by our mothers to get the heck off the the computer:) , and I love just talking with you in general.
Face to face, to be specific. You certainly don't get everything off facebook, people. :)

You mean the world to me. And you probably haven't realized that fully, so...I'm hoping now you do.

Here's to hoping your Wednesday wasn't as confusing as mine.
Remey.