So although I will never in a million years take back what I wrote last night, once again I have a new perspective on everything.
Not in the way that BAM! After a course of crying out to God all night long, barely sleeping because I couldn't turn my brain off, or isolating myself could change the things that I'm still holding to, and after that I'm all good now. Because I'm not. I'm just hoping to shed some type of light on the situation that seemed so dark last night.
If I haven't replied to some of your emails, I'm not ready to yet. If I still haven't told you guys how I'm really feeling, I'm not ready. It's a process. One God is slowly bringing me through in order to show me that I need to trust Him fully, or else I have absolutely nothing to hold on to. Why? Because everything else will fall.
At times...my friends will fail to see what's the matter or care what's going on, my family will fight, my friends at school will no longer find me necessary for a friendship, and my world will crash down because I've lived to think that those are the things that truly matter in my world.
But they aren't. That's the thing.
"Never fear shadows. That always means there's a light shining somewhere."
-Jonathan Santos
Although now is a struggling time, although now I can't see the light in the tunnel, although now is the first time EVER that I'm having trouble doing something I love- writing... God will not move. The things I listed above will never alter the amazing love God has for me, will never change how forgiving He is of me when I let my emotions take over along with the dark shadows that are starting to take over as well.
It's as if He's the last strand that I'm holding on to. Because He is.
I've told a couple of you recently or at least sometime that I often find things easier to understand in similes. If I can find something to compare my situation or my feelings with, I can somewhat grasp what I'm going through or somewhat explain to others what I'm feeling. Otherwise, it's always been hard.
It may always be hard for me to talk to people in person about these things...but it might not. I can't see what's going to take shape from this or after this, but something big is coming.
I've also told some of you that I'm prone to look through the perspective of that this situation is only a little grain of sand compared to my life, compared to everything.
"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." -James 4:14
A couple of posts ago I was feeling amazing, and I posted that I felt as if something big was coming for me, and that none of you should give up hope in a situation. Well...this IS the big thing, I fear. Although in that moment I thought that big thing was going to be something GOOD, it turned out to be this.
But don't get me wrong...somehow, through this, it's good for me. God is causing all this to happen so that I can grow and further His kingdom further, and maybe also help me explain to you all how much I care about you and how much I wish that I could say these things that have been bottled up for years to you-personally.
It may never happen, but it might. And I know it frustrates and/or disappoints some of you when I can't explain this to you personally OR via email or facebook. Sometimes it's just because none of you ask what's going on. And I'm sorry for that, but you wanting to know what's going on won't change how I can tell you. Not saying not to care. Goodness, if none of you cared about me enough to ask what's going on and didn't ever stop until I would tell you, I would have so much bottled up. So much. And yes, it would slowly start taking over even more than it is now.
But right now...it's beginning that long slow process of fading away. Losing it's grip on me, light is slowly breaking forth.
And as I see a tiny bit of sunshine through my window as I write this...I feel a bit of peace on the situation. Although I continue to fear the shadows, I have the assurance that it won't always be like that. The clouds will move, the sun will break forth.
Holding on to hope, hanging from a moment, trusting...
Remey.
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