My Escape.

I've given up on giving up slowly
I'm blending in so You won't even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate

This one last bullet you mention
Is my one last shot at redemption
Because I know to live you must give your life away

And I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I've been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me

And even though there's no way in knowing
Where to go I promise I'm going because

I gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You, I'm begging You, I'm begging You
To be my escape

I'm giving up on doing this alone now
?Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how
He's told me the way and I'm trying to get there

And this life sentence that I'm serving
I admit that I'm every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I've been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me

And even though there's no way in knowing
Where to go I promise I'm going because

I gotta get outta here
?Cause I'm afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake
I gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You, I'm begging You, I'm begging You
To be my escape

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self-detained and forced to live in this mess I've made
And all I'm asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can't ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out, that might be the death of me

And even though there's no way in knowing
Where to go I promise I'm going because

I've gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I've gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You, I'm begging You, I'm begging You
To be my escape

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do

And all I was trying to do
Was save my own skin
But so were You
So were You

Thank you for being my escape...<3

"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves..."

Remey.

Surrender.

Clicking the "New Post" button is something I haven't done in a really long time. I realize this. And it's weird, really, to step back from everything that's been going on and just...write about it. But at the same time, and as I've previously explained in my past posts, writing is my therapy. So this is...somewhat the right thing to do at this point. And even though I won't explain everything 100%, and I'll keep some things vague...just try to understand.

As I sit here with a cup of tea, I don't really know why I'm writing. And I know I might start a lot of posts with this, but it's true. I feel an indescribable need and call to write, so I open up a new page and let God lead me in what He needs me to say. God shows me incredible things when I write. A post may start one way, and end another. And I suspect it'll be the same in this case. So here goes nothing.

Most of you(well, me, and a couple of you that I've told)know that I suffer from a somewhat mild case of emotional issues/stress/anxiety...etc. It's bad, and it can takeover at times when I bottle everything up. At times I don't even realize what I'm holding in! I hold things in for so long, I hide myself behind masks for such an extensive amount of time... that even what's real in my life becomes faded and hard to focus on. Which brings on the confusion. Last night I had no idea that I was holding so much in, but I realized after I had an emotional breakdown and cried and wailed and sobbed for an extensive amount of time.

I'm not writing this to make you feel sorry for me. Actually, I'm kind of nervous to write about this. I haven't told everyone about this, and I even try at times to trick myself into thinking it's nothing and it happens to everyone. But it doesn't. And just as much as those emotions were threatening to bubble over and eventually did last night, God was still there. Holding my broken, confused heart as I lay in my bed nearly suffocating because of the worries of this world that were taking me down. It's at that point, the point where I feel like nothing can solve this, where I'm sobbing uncontrollably and overwhelming myself...it's at that point where I realize how good my God is. How faithful, loving, merciful, and protective he is of his children. It's that point when grace collides with the dark inside of us. Glorious things can happen. But I realized(once again), that God will never allow me to fall. And even if it took this much to get my attention...he sure got it.

Psalm 55:22- Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.

I didn't really realize what was happening, and I don't really now either. It's hard to put together a chain of broken thoughts and emotions into a giant picture of something you can clearly understand. It is for me, anyways. And although I couldn't figure everything out, I could figure out some things. Some reasons why this was happening. God was testing me. He was testing me to see if I could endure this...this situation, or these situations that could clearly knock me right off my feet if I let them. And until last night, I had. But not in the way that He wanted me to. He wanted me...He wanted me to give everything to Him, surrender and let Him carry the load of things that can ruin me so very badly. But I didn't. Somehow...somehow I figured that I could handle things on my own, carry the load. I was trying to pull everything myself, while keeping God on the side of things. And it's weird, but I promised myself a couple months ago after a similar circumstance that that would never happen again. But it did. And oddly, at the time of my promise, I knew it would. I knew it would never be perfect, and I accepted that with a willing heart.

Freshman year/hike/sports/people.
Friends...I'm losing.
Family/Sibling issues.

It all sort of overwhelmed me and came out last night. All these things that I was "handling", or thought I was, were overtaking me quietly and threatening to burst open at any time. Thankfully, I had kept a brave front in front of others. It usually all comes out when I'm alone.

God, take these worries...these fears, my anxiety, my emotions...take them. Take them all. Take everything I am, I'm clay within your hands. I know I can't handle the load, and I know that you can. So I'm giving them to you. May your will be done through all these things...through me. May you use my life to glorify you and further your kingdom.

Though, at times, I'm unwilling to accept it, surrender is a daily thing for me. I can't just wake up one morning and shout, "I SURRENDER!" to the heavens, and then resume my day. Surrender is a daily thing...a daily choice you have to make for yourself. No one can make it for you. Every morning, every day, every hour, every MINUTE I have to surrender everything to God. Everything I'll do, say, and think. Everyone I'll think about and talk to. All my worries, fears, dreams, and hopes for the future. As a child of God, I need to live a life worth dying for...and that includes giving everything to God. Not living off the rich bread of this world, but giving each and every last bit of I you have and myself to God. Everything. In turn...in turn, his blessings are beyond what you can imagine. You get this strange...this strange joy that you've never experienced before. This sense of peace that although your world may be shaking, although the sky may be falling, heaven stands. God is in control. He knows what he's doing. And nothing...no friend, no brother, no class, no hike, no sport.

NOTHING can change that.

Can we do anything BUT rejoice in that?!

:)
There it is again. That joy.

I feel like God has a lot more planned for me that I think he does...

:D

Remey.