Reconciliation.

Reconciliation is a large and grand part of life. It brings tears, resolutions, and change sometimes beyond comprehension. It can solve problems, heal wounds, and cause an even better relationship to bloom in the future.

Reconciliation, I think, is a big part of my life as well.
{And I know this is my second large(ish) post of the day. But again, I felt compelled to write.}

Without reconciliation, I wouldn’t be where I am today with…with a lot of people. With my siblings, with my family, my friends at school, and with older examples and influences in my life. Many times reconciliation doesn’t take more than a couple minutes of thought and the decision to “JUST DO IT.” Which is hard for me, I’ll admit. I tend to over think and over analyze situations to the point of being sick and tired of just thinking about it in general. So to just make that decision and man up to what you’ve done…it takes guts. But guts {along with courage} are obtainable and given when asked for {I believe}.

My post that I put up earlier today explained how God had given me the long awaited rest that I had needed and had searched for. Aside from rest, God also grants clarity of mind. And as I sit her, a cup of tea in hand and keyboard in front of me, my mind dwells on the situation of not even 20 minutes ago…

After dinner Alyse and I decided to ride bikes. We got on our shoes and got our bikes out from the shed and went up on our merry way up the street to bike around our dead end for a while. After 15 minutes or so we decided to go back in when we saw our neighbors up the street {this may sound terribly inconsiderate, but our little neighbor girls love to play with us and bombard us with requests to play for hours…even when we don’t exactly feel up to it}. So we decided to head back while waving to them as we passed.

As we raced into our driveway and to the shed to put our bikes away, we got into some silly argument about who knows what {that’s one thing about us…we’re terribly dramatic, and we don’t even remember what we’re arguing about in the first place}. So after we put our bikes away and stormed inside and said things we would definitely regret, we went our separate ways. Alyse storming upstairs and I started the tea kettle with a bang. I drink/eat when I’m upset. It’s a universal fact about me, really. Anyways, Mom comes in and is all, “What happened?” I had pretty much no idea what to respond because I didn’t even remember what we were bickering about in the first place. She walked away with a, “Well you two work it out, then.”

While I was preparing my tea, I thought, “Great, Lord. I just blew it. Again. Just a couple hours ago I felt on top of the world. Now I’m here. I just blew the whole “walking with You” for the day, didn’t I?” But that’s the thing. As I thought about it, more and more situations of the day brought to my attention that this indeed was NOT the first time I had blew it. “Gah.” Yeah. Pretty much.

Then comes the clarity of mind. All these things of the day pop into my mind and leave me thinking, “Wow. I’m…a failure.” I confess the things I’d done, talk with God for a few minutes in silence in front of my tea, and then decided to go apologize. I go up the stairs to find Alyse sitting on the very top, head down, looking downcast. “What are you doing?” “I don’t know. I was just about to go apologize.” And thus came the apologies and admitting we’re both terrible drama queens and make everything a big deal and yada yada yada.

So that’s that. But with this ONE situation, not even 20 minutes time, a host of situations that I had let slip away came back into my mind as a little knock. It reminded me that along with the big things {or what SEEMS to be big at the time} are also accompanied by a whole host of tiny things that we let go of. We think, “Oh, that’s no big deal.” Or, “I’ll ask for forgiveness later, and it’ll all be good.”

Goodness. That being said, reconciliation is important. And since I rededicated my life to Christ a few weeks ago, I’m having constant reminders of what I’ve done and guilt about what I’ve done. For example, before I could easily justify my own sin and try to forget about it. Now…now it’s a whole different story. I’m stuck with the feeling of guilt and I KNOW it was wrong what I’ve done, and that I NEED to do something to make it right.

Reconciliation can be hard. Really, it can. Pride gets in the way. And it can be so difficult at times to admit you're wrong! It's the nature of humans. But think about all the things you're missing out on by staying mad at them. And if you think about it…if you think about it optimistically, this may or may not be your last day with that person. Look at it this way…

What if that had been my last conversation with Alyse? If she would’ve went upstairs and I stayed down here by myself and dramatically choked on my tea with no one to save me or something of the dramatic sort. Yes, that’s quite an extreme case…but that being said, you never really know how long you have with someone. And I know that I would feel absolutely TERRIBLE if that’s how I ended it with my dear sister.
With a silly argument that I didn’t even remember what it was about.

My mom always taught us that if it’s not important or going to effect you in 10 years, it’s not worth arguing about. It’s true. If it’s something silly, why waste your breath.

Reconciliation. Another thing I’ll be working on. But I thank my Father for the clarity of mind He gives me to realize what I’ve done and that I need to make it right before Him and the person.

Remey.

Hold Fast. There is Hope.

At times I feel compelled to write. This would be one of those times.
I'm back at that marvelous point of pure bliss, and the realization that although everything may crash around me and situations with people may be uncertain, I have truths that will never, EVER crash.
It's hard to write with jumbled thoughts. I have so much to write, because SO much has happened lately! It's hard for me to contain and organize all my thoughts, emotions, feelings and experiences of these past couple weeks/days/months into words.
So lets see how this goes...

I guess I should start with this:

Hello Mercy
I have been searching for you lately
I've been wounded and from what I hear
You have remedy

They told me You would be for me
So now I need to know
Is this a love that can save me
Or say You will then don't
Will You stay with me when nobody is around
If this is real, then tell me now

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart
Falling apart

Saying so long, been lost, been gone
Not sure what to pray
It's not easy but I know You see me
When I lose my way

I keep on floating not knowing
If there is more for me
Don't want to sink beneath waves of negativity
I'm going under,
I'm afraid that I might drown
If this is real,
I need you now

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
'Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart, yeah
Falling apart
Oh, Lord

I'm feeling stronger
With you by my side
And I realize You are my hope
I need to know

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
'Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart,
Falling apart, yeah
Hold me together Lord

Without You,
I'm falling apart
Falling apart
{Hold Me Together: Royal Tailor}

I ran into this song...a couple weeks ago? when I was listening to the radio in the car. I'm not sure exactly when I heard it, but I did, and it's been stuck in my head for who knows how long. I heard it again this morning while I was getting ready for the day and had the radio blasted in the bathroom while I was brushing my teeth. It stuck. Again. And not for the reason you would think. I wrote about this song again in my quiet time with God this afternoon and during my Colossians study.
This song stuck for various reasons other than the fact that it was describing me at this point...drowning, broken, falling apart. It's actually the complete opposite. As I listened to the lyrics repeatedly, downloaded the song on my iPod, kept listening...I realized that for the first time in a long time I DIDN'T feel like I was falling apart, treading water...drowning. Because I was. I was floating around, not knowing where to go. Questioning whether or not I knew who I was, what/who I was living for...I even questioned my saving faith for a while. This took place during our month of vacation and a while after. It wasn't until after I returned home that I actually showed an effort to reunite with my Savior and Father who I was forgetting, and worse, ignoring in my life.

"The hardest thing in the world must be to watch your children forget you. I was one of those children, and I probably will again fall to that. He watches us forget, even after He loves."

This quote came out of one of my dear friend's blog posts which I read about 20 minutes ago, and further compelled me to write this post up-finally. {There are definitely times when I debate writing and opening up}
And honestly, she couldn't have said this better. Because this was exactly how it was for me, and I'll most likely fall back into this in the future.

I was forgetting God. He was watching me forget Him, ignore Him, and live my life for myself and how I wanted to. I didn't bring anything to Him besides a couple minutes of prayer at the end of the day which was one of those prayers{again, explained in my friend's blog}that wasn't really MEANING the words. I would retire after a long lovely day of living for myself and mumble a few things and then turn out the lights. It...it wasn't good, and I'm still ashamed of that.

But I was forgetting Him. What He did. It was the common routine that I fell into. And the worst part of if was that, deep down, I knew what I was doing.
"It's not easy but I know You see me when I lose my way..."
But deep down, I also knew that He saw me and everything that was happening. He saw through me as clear as glass and knew everything that I was hiding. THAT was my hope. My only hope at the time, actually. I knew that somehow, God saw me, and He would follow through in what He promised.

Jeremiah 29:13- "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
That was the thing. I wasn't seeking Him, and when I thought I was, I wasn't seeking Him with my whole heart. This verse was actually brought up a couple months earlier.

{Rewind to around...4? 5? months earlier. I was struggling. Again. And I had only told a couple people what was going on. One of the people I told actually LISTENING. They comforted me in the way they knew would actually help. When I woke up after a night of crying and crying out to God, I logged onto my facebook, and written nicely and plainly on my wall was this verse and some song lyrics from this person. That's it. They didn't write an explanation, because they didn't need too. And even then, I didn't fully listen to grasp on to the whole "WHOLE heart" detail.}

Not until I saw several of my friends falling into the same thing did I receive my wake up call. It was as if God was sick of me forgetting Him and He KNEW I needed to wake up before I kept sinking and going in the opposite direction of what I should have been striving for. BAM. There it went.

I don't remember everything that happened, but I remember that it involved lots of tears, repenting, thankfulness, and talking with the One who I'm in love with and live for. I rededicated my life to Christ, and gave Him all my worries, pain, sorrow, and confusion about what had been happening. I was tired of pretending, of hiding, and I was seeking rest that could only be satisfied by Him alone.

In turn, God renewed that peace in my heart that I have now- that no matter what goes on around me, He'll never leave me. He'll always be there to give me the wake up call. I just need to consciously try, give an effort. Not effortlessly let myself fall away.

Now fast forward back to today.

This song pops up out of nowhere, reminding me of where I was, how far God has brought me! I thank Him everyday for what He's done. Ever since I gave Him all my worries, confusion, sin and pain, it's as if it all disappeared.

Psalm 103:12- "...as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

My mind used to focus on that. I would put on masks whenever I was around other people, but when I was alone, it would all come out. It seemed to be all I could think about. Pain. Fear. Confusion. I had no idea what to do with it, and it was as if I was too prideful to give it to God and admit what I was doing. I wanted to handle things myself. I hope I never make that mistake again. The peace and complete rest that God gives when you give Him everything, surrender all you have...it's beautiful.

And now when I'm frequently bombarded and tempted with times that I could very well start harboring my feelings again and start ignoring Him and let my emotions take control of me, God gives me the power to ignore those temptations. God will always be there...that's the one thing that I'll never have to worry about.

I realize that it won't always be like this. I realize that there will be times where I don't feel as secure and safe like I feel right now. When I'll feel lost and broken and like I'm drowning all over again. One thing I'm doing about that doubt of the future is keeping a spiritual journal. I started it almost a year ago, and I write everything in there. I write what I'm going through. I cry out to God, I admit my weaknesses. I'm hoping that during the times where I cry out to God to hold me together, I can can look back at what He's done and surrender to Him once again and continue to fall deeper in love with Him. And besides my journal...I know and trust that God won't let me go, let me fall.

Furthermore, because of my constant procrastination/forgetfulness about my quiet time with God everyday, I decided to start my own Colossians study. I'm almost 1/2 way through it, and should be finished the first week of August when I'll pick another book to study. It helps to pick something to study and stick to it. Before, I had been picking random passages where I felt need to read. I still do that sometimes now, but I do it along with my consistent study each day. And I love it! Daily God is reminding me of His goodness and love for me, His daughter.
God is now constantly reminding me to hold fast and that there is ALWAYS hope. Life is a journey towards the ultimate prize- living forever with my Lord and Savior. Without...pain. Worries. Emotional struggles. Fear. Doubt. Tears.




There is nothing else that I would rather be doing than living every day for Him.

"Without you, I'm falling apart."

Remey.

"The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40: 28-31)

(:
Remey.

Time. Sunshine. Change.

Time seems to fly remarkably fast. Especially during the summer. Or so it seems.
Our family just returned from our month long adventure in Maui! We've been home for almost a whole week, but we're still struggling with the time change{which is surprising, it only being a few hours...}. Maybe because we're changing from doing so much, on so little time{the sun sets super early and rises really early over there}to now doing nothing. We're just plain tired. And the gloomy weather doesn't seem to help. But hey, I'm not complaining about today. I woke up to streams of sunshine shining through my window as well as Mt. Baker and the sound. It was beautiful! Made me realize how much I missed the water...OUR water. Even though Maui's water is beyond amazing.
Along with...what seems to be everything else. It was everything I thought it would be, but everything I didn't expect it would be. Many things had changed since 2 years ago when I'd last visited the island with my family. For one, they don't supply plastic bags anywhere on the island anywhere. Meaning in Walmart, they expect you to bring your own reusable bags or you carry everything out yourself. Lets just say our first grocery trip didn't go as well as we thought it would.

We also ran into several friends there, including my Mom's college friend who just got remarried that she hadn't seen in forever, and just happened to run into. On a different note, we planned to get together with my Mom's cousin and her family and we had dinner and gelato while overlooking Lahaina Harbor. Lovely. :)
It was also a huge time for family. It was like an unofficial Messmer family reunion- 22 of us total, to be exact. We got to see and visit with our cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. from OR along with our grandparents from IL who we stayed with for the whole month there in the same condo. It was a blast! We hadn't seen the OR Messmer's for forever, so it was cool catching up with them and shopping and all that fun stuff that everyone does in Maui. :)We all got fairly tan...Alyse burned{of course}, and got a particularly bad burn the day before we left. Grand. Still has strap marks from her bathing suit. ;)
I took roughly 1000 pictures, a couple videos, etc. It was a blast. :)
Unfortunately, like I told some of you, my camera broke the day OF our traveling. Really!? Goodness...can't explain my feelings there.
I took pictures up until we landed, got our luggage, and drove to a restaurant where BAM! I "dropped" the camera handing it to mom, only like an inch from the table, and there went the retracting of the lens. The guy at the camera shop in town said that it happens all the time, and when you hit it in just the right place, BAM. It blows the motor of the lens, hence causing it to quit retracting. Great. Grand. Fabulous.
It was a test, honestly. God was testing how I would handle the situation and my patience...by taking away one of my most needed items in life the FIRST day of a month long vacation. Well, after freaking for a couple minutes, we resolved it in figuring it out when I got home, and I got to use my grandmother's camera for the rest of the trip, hence taking around 1000+ photos. Bless her. :)
So that was the "drama" of the trip. Besides that...it went too fast. I'll be honest. I know it was going to go fast like it always does, but I didn't suspect it to go THAT fast. It was crazy...it seems like we should still be waking up and walking the 3 mile beach every morning, feeling my toes in the sand, tanning by the pool..
Time flies way too fast. Luckily, I suspected it would, and lived each day there like it was my last. That was my goal of this trip...to not take anything for granted, as hard as it was. I missed my grandparents who have gone every time with us{we calculated it while we were there...this has been my 7th trip!}, but couldn't make it this trip due to health complications. I pray and hope that they can make it in another 2 years...if we go or not. We'll see. But they imply we're going again{they're the ones who pay for a chunk of it in the first place}, and they say that they want to come next time. Soooo much. They love it as much as us...and it pained me to hear my parents phone calls with them while we were there and their crying on the other end of the phone.

I also talked to my grandmother a huge portion of this trip. We talked about everything and anything, from our equal obsession of painting our nails, to the Holocaust, from all the sand/shells on the beach. It was amazing. I didn't realize till then how much I miss her, and how much I'm missing not seeing her on a weekly, daily, or YEARLY basis. I...I miss them. I hope I can fly out in the next couple summers, or they can come visit us. I love them. So much.
Lets see...oh yes, change. Goodness. Here we go again. Umm, lots of things are changing repeatedly in my life. My friends, my family{how much I see them, anyways}, my relationships, my strengths, my insecurities, my emotions, my fears, etc. So, SO much. It's almost too much to keep up with. Actually, it is at times. But it's times like this where I see things clearly. Where I see that no matter what changes...no matter what changes, it's all in God's hands. Nothing can thwart his plans, nothing can change what he has already predestined to happen. Nothing. It's...it's crazy, but it gives you a sense of peace when you finally realize that and give it all to Him. It's hard, though. I know that I will always struggle with this. This constant surrender to God, giving Him everything.


You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms around me and I'm home
How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

But...but He's given me SO much. He's given me a roof to sleep under, food to eat, a family who I love, friends who care about me, a school with amazing teachers and teachings, and a church and church family who all encourage and support each other. He's given me so much...and yet I often hesitate to even give Him PART of my life. Why not give Him everything?!? Le sigh...it's hard. As humans, we want constant control of what's happening. And we THINK we have constant control, when in reality...we don't. We don't control how the world goes round, how much rain WA will receive in the months of June-August, or how many times you will lose and gain friendships. We don't control a thing. And it's hard. But knowing and believing and accepting that something...that SOMEONE else, someone who LOVES you, who wants and does work for YOUR good...knowing that He is in control of everything that goes on around you?

Romans 8:38- And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Well...that's all I need. Why wouldn't I surrender knowing that?
When my world is shaking, heaven stands.
It's a battle. It's one of those things that I will constantly be struggling with, failing and something prevailing. Being victorious, and sometimes falling and Him continuing to help me while whispering, "Keep going, daughter. I am with you."
Things will change, but He won't.

Stay Beautiful.
Remey.