Hold Fast. There is Hope.

At times I feel compelled to write. This would be one of those times.
I'm back at that marvelous point of pure bliss, and the realization that although everything may crash around me and situations with people may be uncertain, I have truths that will never, EVER crash.
It's hard to write with jumbled thoughts. I have so much to write, because SO much has happened lately! It's hard for me to contain and organize all my thoughts, emotions, feelings and experiences of these past couple weeks/days/months into words.
So lets see how this goes...

I guess I should start with this:

Hello Mercy
I have been searching for you lately
I've been wounded and from what I hear
You have remedy

They told me You would be for me
So now I need to know
Is this a love that can save me
Or say You will then don't
Will You stay with me when nobody is around
If this is real, then tell me now

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart
Falling apart

Saying so long, been lost, been gone
Not sure what to pray
It's not easy but I know You see me
When I lose my way

I keep on floating not knowing
If there is more for me
Don't want to sink beneath waves of negativity
I'm going under,
I'm afraid that I might drown
If this is real,
I need you now

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
'Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart, yeah
Falling apart
Oh, Lord

I'm feeling stronger
With you by my side
And I realize You are my hope
I need to know

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
'Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart,
Falling apart, yeah
Hold me together Lord

Without You,
I'm falling apart
Falling apart
{Hold Me Together: Royal Tailor}

I ran into this song...a couple weeks ago? when I was listening to the radio in the car. I'm not sure exactly when I heard it, but I did, and it's been stuck in my head for who knows how long. I heard it again this morning while I was getting ready for the day and had the radio blasted in the bathroom while I was brushing my teeth. It stuck. Again. And not for the reason you would think. I wrote about this song again in my quiet time with God this afternoon and during my Colossians study.
This song stuck for various reasons other than the fact that it was describing me at this point...drowning, broken, falling apart. It's actually the complete opposite. As I listened to the lyrics repeatedly, downloaded the song on my iPod, kept listening...I realized that for the first time in a long time I DIDN'T feel like I was falling apart, treading water...drowning. Because I was. I was floating around, not knowing where to go. Questioning whether or not I knew who I was, what/who I was living for...I even questioned my saving faith for a while. This took place during our month of vacation and a while after. It wasn't until after I returned home that I actually showed an effort to reunite with my Savior and Father who I was forgetting, and worse, ignoring in my life.

"The hardest thing in the world must be to watch your children forget you. I was one of those children, and I probably will again fall to that. He watches us forget, even after He loves."

This quote came out of one of my dear friend's blog posts which I read about 20 minutes ago, and further compelled me to write this post up-finally. {There are definitely times when I debate writing and opening up}
And honestly, she couldn't have said this better. Because this was exactly how it was for me, and I'll most likely fall back into this in the future.

I was forgetting God. He was watching me forget Him, ignore Him, and live my life for myself and how I wanted to. I didn't bring anything to Him besides a couple minutes of prayer at the end of the day which was one of those prayers{again, explained in my friend's blog}that wasn't really MEANING the words. I would retire after a long lovely day of living for myself and mumble a few things and then turn out the lights. It...it wasn't good, and I'm still ashamed of that.

But I was forgetting Him. What He did. It was the common routine that I fell into. And the worst part of if was that, deep down, I knew what I was doing.
"It's not easy but I know You see me when I lose my way..."
But deep down, I also knew that He saw me and everything that was happening. He saw through me as clear as glass and knew everything that I was hiding. THAT was my hope. My only hope at the time, actually. I knew that somehow, God saw me, and He would follow through in what He promised.

Jeremiah 29:13- "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
That was the thing. I wasn't seeking Him, and when I thought I was, I wasn't seeking Him with my whole heart. This verse was actually brought up a couple months earlier.

{Rewind to around...4? 5? months earlier. I was struggling. Again. And I had only told a couple people what was going on. One of the people I told actually LISTENING. They comforted me in the way they knew would actually help. When I woke up after a night of crying and crying out to God, I logged onto my facebook, and written nicely and plainly on my wall was this verse and some song lyrics from this person. That's it. They didn't write an explanation, because they didn't need too. And even then, I didn't fully listen to grasp on to the whole "WHOLE heart" detail.}

Not until I saw several of my friends falling into the same thing did I receive my wake up call. It was as if God was sick of me forgetting Him and He KNEW I needed to wake up before I kept sinking and going in the opposite direction of what I should have been striving for. BAM. There it went.

I don't remember everything that happened, but I remember that it involved lots of tears, repenting, thankfulness, and talking with the One who I'm in love with and live for. I rededicated my life to Christ, and gave Him all my worries, pain, sorrow, and confusion about what had been happening. I was tired of pretending, of hiding, and I was seeking rest that could only be satisfied by Him alone.

In turn, God renewed that peace in my heart that I have now- that no matter what goes on around me, He'll never leave me. He'll always be there to give me the wake up call. I just need to consciously try, give an effort. Not effortlessly let myself fall away.

Now fast forward back to today.

This song pops up out of nowhere, reminding me of where I was, how far God has brought me! I thank Him everyday for what He's done. Ever since I gave Him all my worries, confusion, sin and pain, it's as if it all disappeared.

Psalm 103:12- "...as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

My mind used to focus on that. I would put on masks whenever I was around other people, but when I was alone, it would all come out. It seemed to be all I could think about. Pain. Fear. Confusion. I had no idea what to do with it, and it was as if I was too prideful to give it to God and admit what I was doing. I wanted to handle things myself. I hope I never make that mistake again. The peace and complete rest that God gives when you give Him everything, surrender all you have...it's beautiful.

And now when I'm frequently bombarded and tempted with times that I could very well start harboring my feelings again and start ignoring Him and let my emotions take control of me, God gives me the power to ignore those temptations. God will always be there...that's the one thing that I'll never have to worry about.

I realize that it won't always be like this. I realize that there will be times where I don't feel as secure and safe like I feel right now. When I'll feel lost and broken and like I'm drowning all over again. One thing I'm doing about that doubt of the future is keeping a spiritual journal. I started it almost a year ago, and I write everything in there. I write what I'm going through. I cry out to God, I admit my weaknesses. I'm hoping that during the times where I cry out to God to hold me together, I can can look back at what He's done and surrender to Him once again and continue to fall deeper in love with Him. And besides my journal...I know and trust that God won't let me go, let me fall.

Furthermore, because of my constant procrastination/forgetfulness about my quiet time with God everyday, I decided to start my own Colossians study. I'm almost 1/2 way through it, and should be finished the first week of August when I'll pick another book to study. It helps to pick something to study and stick to it. Before, I had been picking random passages where I felt need to read. I still do that sometimes now, but I do it along with my consistent study each day. And I love it! Daily God is reminding me of His goodness and love for me, His daughter.
God is now constantly reminding me to hold fast and that there is ALWAYS hope. Life is a journey towards the ultimate prize- living forever with my Lord and Savior. Without...pain. Worries. Emotional struggles. Fear. Doubt. Tears.




There is nothing else that I would rather be doing than living every day for Him.

"Without you, I'm falling apart."

Remey.